Clash of the Titans

Does anybody remember the absolutely terrible, eye-gougingly awful, suicide causing debacle that was 10,000 B.C.? The one where the filmmakers decided that if you throw in enough CGI people would like it? The one where the best part of the movie was when I was leaving and saw some little girl coming out of a horror flick and she had quite obviously peed her pants? Yeah, thats what Clash of the Titans was like, only no little girl peed their pants (unfortunately). 

Here is the plot summed up in 11 words: Humans hate the gods, gods need human prayers for immortality= Clash! But for the sake of consistency I'll flesh out a bit further. Perseus (Sam Worthington) is the son of Zeus and some mortal woman, but he is raised by a fishing family because of some subplot where he is thrown in a casket with his mom into the ocean but only she drowns. Quite ridiculous. Anyways Perseus' family is killed by Hades in a fit of rage. Perseus is pretty mad about this and after being captured by some soldiers of the city of Argos, which is cursed by the gods and will be destroyed by the Kraken in ten days (that giant monster in the poster). Perseus and a band of soldiers head off to fight some mythical beasts in order to learn how to beat the Kraken and save Argos, and maybe avenge his family along the way.

There are so many things wrong with this movie that I might just have to go into every single one of them and make fun of this movie in every way possible. In fact, lets count how many problems I have with this movie.

1. Sam Worthington is a decent actor, and I have a bit of respect for him in holding his own in all the recent movies he's been in. But his skills are horribly distorted in this film. After his family dies, with him miraculously surviving, he lays on a piece of driftwood and starts going, "ARGHh GRAHHARGH GRAGGLE ARGH." Horrible sounds that I'd only associate with hernias being extracted without anesthesia.

2. Sam's Australian accent pops its head a lot in this movie and annoyed the hell out of me since he is supposed to be Greek.

3. Perseus has this immortal girlfriend that follows him around protecting him. She is the most annoying woman on the planet, and when she finally dies (Thank you God) they flipping bring her back to life (NO). Her acting consists of reading the script as skillfully as a chimp throws its feces.

4. Everyone dies. All the people who are trained for battle, die. Whereas Perseus, who was fishing until the night before, grabs a sword and kills everything in sight.

5. There is some sort of magic character that looks like a walking piece of burnt wood with blue eyes.

6. Liam Neeson is the all powerful Zeus but can't seem to figure out that his brother Hades has it out for him. And when he does, he's like, "Nah I'll let Perseus figure it out, I'm too busy chilling in my glittery armor for this."

7. There are no Titans. And they kill whatever monster they face fairly easily, well Perseus does, everyone else just stands around waiting to get killed or to get saved by Perseus (Which doesn't help, because they all die anyways).

8. You know the Kraken? The giant sea monster that they spent the entire movie hyping up as the end of the world? Yeah, well they kill it in about 3 minutes. It comes out of the water, and then it dies. It was about as threatening as a flock of butterflies.

There has to be a ton more points but I am so angry right now I'm seeing spots. Rage flashes at how poorly this movie was executed. Clash of my head against the wall should be its new name.

Half a star out of four

-Christopher O'Connell