Brave

Seventeen years ago a little film studio called Pixar created a little film called Toy Story.  It proved wildly popular with both critics and normal people and led to 12 more films from the studio, the latest being Brave, co-directed by Brenda Chapman and Mark Andrews.  It stars the vocal talents of Kelly Macdonald, Emma Thompson, Billy Connelly, and Pixar's "good luck charm," John Ratzenberger.

The story is definitely not as original as most of the previous Pixar films, such as Wall-E or Up.  Obvious connections can be drawn from classic fairytale Disney films, such as Snow White and the Seven Dwarves and more recent films, such as Tangled.  Brave takes place in Scotland.  Merida (Macdonald) is a tough redheaded princess who plays by her own rules and shoots arrows.  She is convinced that her mother Queen Elinor (Thompson) does not understand her...another extremely popular plot point in the over century long history of Hollywood.  Merida's parents (Connelly voices King Fergus) want her to marry one of the sons from the neighboring clans.  However, it is pretty slim picking and she wants to be able to choose who to marry.  Oh yeah, and Merida makes a deal with a witch (don't ever do that!) which results in her mother turning into a bear (another previous Disney movie reference!)  Apparently if someone whom you have differences with turns into a bear, then it is easier to relate to and understand one another.

This is Pixar so obviously the animation is absolutely brilliant and beautiful.  Even by today's standards the original Toy Story still looks pretty darn good, but things have only gotten better with each passing Pixar film.  Just about everyone who watches or reviews Brave mentions the main characters flowing red locks of hair.  Yes, it is incredible, every single individual strand is essentially flawless.  Also, all other shots of the film look beautiful, as if Scotland was actually filmed. Pixar has a way of animating insanely realistic outdoor shots...mountains, trees, water, etc...you'll probably be impressed.  Lastly, I think animated people will still never look normal, but that's fine, I've come to understand how friggin hard it must be to animate humans.  

In case you forget that this film takes place in Scotland, there is an endless supply of Celtic style music. It was all quite lovely and really sucks you into the time period, setting, and culture of these characters.  

Also, I feel that this film and last years Cars 2 veered slightly toward too immature humor.  This includes cleavage and bare butt jokes.  I know it's not a big deal, but I always thought Pixar was better than that and it sort of caught be off guard.  

Finally, Pixar unfortunately no larger has a spotless track record, which is fine.  Perhaps I just have unrealistic expectations for them and being perfect all the time must have been getting stressful.


Cars 2 ruined that record.  It wasn't even that bad of a movie and the animation and Michael Caine's voice were wonderful.  However, it was completely unnecessary and I feel like it was made mainly to sell more toys for Disney/Pixar. Brave was definitely better (at least it didn't get an awful rating on rottentomatoes.com!), but still not up to par with Toy Story 3 and all the films before.

I just hope that Pixar can get completely back to it roots and return to making original stories that are the perfect blend of humor and emotion, perfect for every member of the human race...Now we have the Monster's Inc. prequel (Monster's University) to look forward to!

2 and a half stars out of 4...and I still will watch every single Pixar movie...the company just evokes trust.  

-Joseph Sbrilli

Ted

Ted is the feature length, live action film debut for Family Guy creator Seth MacFarlane.  MacFarlane, using his "Peter Griffin" voice portrays Ted, the drug and sex addicted teddy bear to Mark Wahlberg's John Bennett.  Mila Kunis (aka Meg Griffin) co-stars as John's girlfriend Lori Collins.

John Bennett had no friends when he was younger so he made a Christmas wish that his teddy bear would be able to talk to him and be his best friend for life.  Obviously, it came true, because Patrick Stewart (the narrator) tells us that there is nothing more powerful than a Christmas wish, or something to that effect.  This starts out great, but 25 years later they are still inseparable, and the friggin teddy bear has turned John into essentially a "man-child." This weird relationship between a man and his perverted talking teddy bear is beginning to take a toll on John's relationship with his girlfriend, who understandably wants John to be at least a remotely responsibility human being and to love her more than that darn bear.

True, Family Guy, which was once a clever, hilarious show has been, for approximately the past 4 years a huge pile of crap.  It amazes me that it is still on, that people still watch it, and that FOX is giving MacFarlane millions of dollars for making three very similar programs.  Doing the same joke again and again, for 12 minutes straight is not funny.  It just shows that you no longer want to write an entire episode, but prefer to just write 5 minutes of actual story and jokes.

That was my brief Family Guy rant.  Ted luckily is a lot funnier, although perhaps a bit long for a comedy and I really hated the subplot of a creepy man and his creepy overweight son kidnapping Ted, because they were apparently obsessed with him.  Also, I do not find Joel McHale funny.  He plays Lori's boss who is always flirting with her, but annoyed me as much as he does on the show Community.  I just don't find him funny and he always seems like he is completely full of himself.  Also, some jokes were sacrilegious and offensive, which I was obviously expecting because I have seem many episodes of Family Guy in my day.  I cannot repeat some of the jokes in this blog, since that would just make me uncomfortable.  However, just because I was expecting it does not mean that I have to find it funny.  It is absolutely possible to make a crude comedy and still have it be clever, such as Bridesmaids.


Alright, so what did I like about the movie?  Some great jokes and pop culture references which are reasons why I love the earlier years of Family Guy. Ted included a scene where he was digitally added into an episode of The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson (Ted becomes a celebrity after he is brought to life, forgot to mention that).  There's also a great spoof of a scene from Airplane!, a hilarious cameo by an attractive celebrity, whose name I will not reveal, the briefest nod to the Indiana Jones franchise, and all sorts of random cutaway scenes and references that people familiar with MacFarlane's shows are used to by now.

Also, I think Mark Wahlberg is hilarious.  I first found out he was funny when I saw The Other Guys 
with him and Will Ferrell.  He is an incredibly talented actor.  That last sentence is proven immediately upon watching him in The Fighter and Ted.  And I just loved Wahlberg going through about 30 white trash girls names, trying to guess the name of the grocery store cashier tramp that Ted was infatuated with.

Two scenes are also in the film which reminded me of those awful chicken fights in Family Guy and scenes where Stewie is beating up Brian for 20 minutes.  I hated those two types of scenes in Ted.  Even MacFarlane can do better.

If you like the cast (and are willing to overlook the fact that Wahlberg and Kunis made kind of a weird couple, even though their age difference isn't even that big), liked any stage of Family Guy, like innapropriate, sometimes funny movies, then give it a shot.  I personally enjoyed it, especially after being able to embrace how utterly ridiculous the plot of the movie was.

2 and a half stars out of 4...I just hope Seth MacFarlane doesn't try to push his luck by becoming a movie director more frequently.  No matter how funny his shows and this movie can be, deep down he thinks he is way funnier than he really is.

-Joseph Sbrilli

Prometheus: Quick Review

First and foremost, the other, slightly taller half of this nice little blog has forced me to review this movie.  I did in fact enjoy it, but will have a heck of a time explaining why because I do not understand science fiction or most Ridley Scott films, except possibly Gladiator and Blade Runner.

Prometheus is supposed to be a prequel to his classic film Alien, which spawned 42 sequels that I have yet to see.  Yes, Sigourney Weaver is indeed that tough.  Scott's latest film stars Charlize Theron, Michael Fassbender, Noomi Rapace, and Guy Pearce.

What I gather from IMDB and my terrible memory is that Prometheus was the name of the ship that these characters are on, Michael Fassbender plays a robot, Noomi Rapace gives birth to an alien octopus creature after having unprotected relations with someone whom she should not have, Charlize Theron is quite attractive, and the crew members are trying to find out about the origins of the human race, or I'm assuming there will be even more peril than the movie already had.  If you want a better plot synopsis, or an actual plot synopsis, then type Wikipedia into your computer right now, because I kid you not I was both visually dazzled and mentally confused.

I've heard that some people did not want to see this movie because it was going to be scary.  These people are confusing science fiction with horror. Horror is the scary genre.  Science fiction is the genre with aliens popping out of stomachs, Sigourney Weaver being ballsy, and William Shatner in skin tight attire.

Actually, there is a gross, disturbing scene that I found memorable.  Noomi Rapace's character, Elizabeth Shaw (the impregnated one) must give herself a Caesarean section (C-section, medically speaking).  Actually, a machine does it for her.  There's lasers, blood, and everything (all in a very confined pod-like structure).  I think the idea is that if you have an alien creature in your womb, you will most likely die unless it is removed.

From a visual standpoint the movie is impressive.  There are plently of lovely outside shots, or space shots if you prefer that.  Since this is 2012, and Wikipedia told me, there are thousands of shots that include digital effects.  But, they didn't look fake and stupid, like say Transformers, Michael Bay...

That's really all I've got.  Likable cast, great visuals, intense music, aliens, and plenty of action.

Also, there will at least be one sequel...because Ridley Scott needs money and Noomi Rapace is almost as tough as Sigourney...and she will not be killed easily.

2 out of 4 stars...that's what I always give movies I don't completely understand.

-Joseph Sbrilli

John Carter: A Quick Review

Before Avatar, before Star Wars, before we knew anything about Mars like the fact that it is uninhabitable, there was John Carter.

Yes, based on Edward R. Burroughs beloved sci-fi novels, John Carter is the epic that I don't think anyone was really waiting for. Mostly because my generation had never even heard of it. And I'm sure Burroughs appreciated being in the film and the suggestion that the story actually happened to a relative of his (not).

Anyways, John Carter is an old Confederate soldier looking for gold. His wife and daughter died in a fire, they never show who killed them and now John is avenging them by finding gold? I guess?

Well, the gold is located in a room that magic priests from mars (sorry, Barsoom) use to travel between planets. John Carter (Taylor Kitsch, in another humongous flop of a movie) gives the priest a taste of good old American bullets in his stomach before accidentally transporting himself to Mars. (Again, they call it Barsoom if you didn't get that).

Once on Mars, John discovers that he has the superpower of jumping really high because gravity isn't that strong compared to Earth (Jasoom). Normally, that means he'd walk around like he was constantly on a trampoline but it only applies to jumping, and punching. And only sometimes when punching. Some people go flying, others just get punched. And when he uses a sword all of a sudden his power goes away. You'd think the instant he picked up a sword he could slice through anything like butter. NOPE. Anyone that's normal can block his sword attacks. Until he punches them.

There is a lot of nitpicky stuff, like the bad guy has an all powerful superlaser that he conveniently forgets to use in the end. The native america metaphor species the thrak are the stupidest, most easily influenced aliens I've ever seen. And the love interest likes to say "John Cahtah, of urth" as often as stupidly possible.

On the other hand, the graphics are decent, Taylor Kitsch is amusing and it's your basic run of the mill marraige/war plot with magical undertones. They just didn't execute it very well. Oh and Bryan Cranston has a 4 minute part. That was sweet.

2 out of 4 stars

-Christopher O'Connell

Battleship

So what have we learned Hollywood? That's right, just because something is popular, like say a board game, it doesn't mean you have to adapt it okay? Okay Hollywood? Hey! Where are you going with that copy of Monopoly? Nooooo, come back! At least make it a campy cult comedy like Clue! sob*.

Let's get it out of the way right up front. "Battleship" is pretty bad. Not because it's based on a board game. They could have called it 'alien ocean invasion time' and it still wouldn't be a good film. It's a bad film because it is a bad film. But it had potential. Kind of like how Transformers 1 had potential. And we all know how that turned out.

Alex Hopper (Taylor Kitsch) is a bro-douche-stoner-bro. His brother is also a bro-douche-stoner-bro but he's in the navy so it is okay for him to act like a bro-douche-stoner-bro. After royally screwing up his life for what is assumed to be the last time (Getting tazed by the cops) Alex's brother forces him to join the Navy. Fast forward umpteen years and Alex is already a lieutenant in the Navy. Wow, that was fast. Despite looking like a jacked hippy with the IQ of a jacked hippy, the Navy decided to promote him. Even though he has behavioral issues, like anger, following orders, being a douche etc. Well, Alex decides being a civilian douche wasn't enough so he starts a fight with a Japanese officer right before the international war games. A naval exercise which only America and Japan participate in for some reason. South Korea doesn't have a navy or anything.

After the war games it is implied that Alex will be kicked out of the navy for something that would have gotten me a detention in high school. But wait! Plot twist! Aliens land in the ocean, activate a shield that traps Hawaii, themselves and only three destroyers out of an entire effing fleet of awesome ships. Alex and his highly talented crew of one red head and Rihanna must figure out how to kill the aliens before they can phone home.

The beginning is actually pretty funny. As in I actually laughed. And not ironically. It was pretty amusing watching Taylor Kitsch drunkenly break into a gas station in order to get a burrito for Brooklyn Decker (who wouldn't?). Then all of a sudden he is in the navy.

At this point I just want the action to start. Who cares about some hammy acting and stupid soccer games where macho men (and Rihanna) show off their soccer skills to appeal to an international audience (Didn't do any good did it suckers). Finally, FINALLY the aliens land.

And they trap just three ships. ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?! There is a whole FLEET of battle ships and aircraft carriers with planes and missiles and tons of military shit commanded by none other than LIAM "I PUNCH WOLVES IN THE FACE" NEESON and the aliens trap the three SMALLEST ships that exist in the entire U.S. Navy.

Whatever, action starts. It's kind of cool. Especially this automatic minigun that shoots the aliens missiles out of the sky with a super computer tracking device that conveniently never hits all of the missiles, always allowing at least one to strike the deck and kill a few extras.

The aliens kind of suck at this whole war thing. Brooklyn Decker and a war veteran who is missing both his legs manage to outsmart them and beat one up even though it is wearing an armored suit. Also the aliens look like gorillas with long goatees.

See, the story is that the aliens are doing three things. They are protecting their shield device so that no reinforcements can get in and mess with it, like the rest of the U.S. Navy. They send out giant plot bending balls of metal that destroy anything that remotely looks like a threat. And they are attempting to use our satellite system to send a message back to their home world.

And here's where it gets weird. 5 alien ships make it to Earth. 1 breaks up in atmosphere and crash lands in Hong Kong or Shanghai or somewhere in China. 4 land in the pacific. The ship that broke up was their communication ship. They have landed on a strange planet and they have no way of contacting their home planet. So they shield themselves and look for a means of communicating with their home planet. They then engage in a passive defense. Whenever a human weapon is used against them or looks like it is going to be used against them, they quickly stomp it out. But only if there is a weapon. They act a little bit like the Predator in that sense. And Alex Hopper and crew are doing their best to kill them dead. All they want to do is get home. They are stuck on a foreign planet and miss their home and random jacked hippies are trying to kill them. It's kind of sick when you think about it.

And holy #@%^ is Rihanna's hat still on? Despite fighting aliens and jumping off a boat she does not lose her hat ever.

The action is sweet put it isn't utilized enough. The acting gets really hammy by the end and it is pretty bad on top of that. Not great dialogue either. It is almost like a really long navy recruitment movie. But then it takes a turn for the absolute ridiculous.

So their boat eventually gets destroyed. The remaining sailors hop on board the U.S.S. Arizona which is a MUSEUM.  Which means it has no live ammo on board. But guess what, it does. How are they going to drive it? They have no experience with a battleship like the Arizona. Oh thank God, EVERY SINGLE VETERAN FROM WWII SHOWS UP RIGHT THEN. It was like a parade of a nursing home. And they hop on the boat and start shooting aliens.

It was quite ridiculous. And I spent a thousand words on freaking "Battleship." I don't blame you if you didn't read it.

1/2 a star out of 4

-Christopher O'Connell

Men In Black 3

There is one thing you should know about me: I love Will Smith. I will watch anything he is in and will always tell you how good of an actor he is even if you didn't ask. The first Men In Black was awesome but I remember being so pants-crappingly terrified of the cockroach alien that I didn't even know what it even looked like until I was ten because I refused to lower my hands. The second Men In Black was awesome until I grew up and realized it was crap and my movie taste hadn't fully developed. I still enjoy it because again, I love Will Smith.

So when I say I liked Men In Black 3, its probably because I am a little bit biased. Will Smith makes me laugh and the odd combo of buddy cop movie with an alien premise always intrigues me enough to buy a ticket.

Agent J (Will Smith) and Agent K(Tommy Lee Jones) are back doing what they do best. But it wouldn't be a movie unless something exciting happened. A dangerous alien criminal known as Boris the Animal (Jemaine Clement) breaks out of a prison on the moon that was built specifically to house him. He is pissed because he has been there for like 40 years after Agent K put him there. Instead of just killing him, he uses a time jump to go back in time to kill Agent K before he can lock him away and knock off one of his arms. Technically he succeeds because Agent K all of a sudden disappears from the future. Agent J finds his own time jump and goes back in time to work with young Agent K (Josh Brolin) to stop Boris.

Obviously the big gimmick in the film is that Will Smith gets to run around with a young Tommy Lee Jones. Josh Brolin nails it. He nails it so good it's uncanny. Half the time it feels like it really is just a young Tommy Lee Jones. He smiles a little too much but otherwise it is a perfect acting job.

And thank god it is there because otherwise MIB 3 would be as bad as MIB 2. It starts off with a "let's see how many jokes Will Smith can make about how unemotional and old Tommy Lee Jones is." And it only really gets exciting when they finally go back in time.

There's also some fun in the retro technology that the men in black use. And although racism shouldn't be funny, a hilarious encounter between Will Smith and some bigoted policemen was comedy gold. Unfortunately for the audience, but fortunately for me, no one seemed to know who Jemaine Clement is. Every time he talked I laughed. I looked around seeing if anyone else was laughing. Nothing. Not many Flight of the Conchords fans around I guess.

Anyway, it's a Men In Black film. You expect anything more? You did? Well screw you man. Go enjoy a slightly brainless movie with the only reason you watched the other movies in the first place: Will Smith. And this time Josh Brolin. And Bill Hader as Andy Warhol. Ha, hilarious.

2 and a half out of 4 stars

-Christopher O'Connell

Rock Of Ages

Believe it or not I am still part of this blog.  I just took a brief five month hiatus from reviewing movies.

The latest movie I saw it theaters was Rock of Ages.  After all, I love musicals and cannot resist more than a dozen 80s songs and a shirtless Tom Cruise in the same movie.  This is the latest film from Adam Shankman, director of 2007's "Hairpray," which was a great adaptation of the Broadway show and one of my favorite movies.  Alas, that will probably be Shankman's greatest achievement.  Not even an all star cast, including Tom Cruise, Catherine Zeta-Jones, and Alec Baldwin could make this a quality film.  Then again maybe thinking of the most cliched plot and randomly adding 80s songs to it just wasn't a great idea to begin with.

The film takes place in 1987 and deals with a naive young midwestern girl, who naturally wants to move to California and become a singer.  She unsurprisingly falls in love with a young man who works at a bar in this sleazy club, who just so happens to be a closeted singer as well.  It's not just any sleazy club though, it's run by Alec Baldwin and Russell Brand and is about to be shut down if they don't pay their taxes on it.  This is where a shirtless, long haired Tom Cruise, as fictional rock and roll idol Stacie Jaxx comes to save the day.  Hopefully his star status will bring in the needed money to save the Bourbon Club.  Tons of random things happen and people randomly burst into such songs as "Hit me With Your Best Shot," "Pour Some Sugar on Me," "Anyway You Want It," and "Can't Fight This Feeling." 

If you ever wanted to know if Tom Cruise can sing, then the answer is yes, kind of.  All he needed was some voice training and a little auto-tune.  I am not a huge fan of his, but he was funny in this movie, and I personally enjoyed his songs, mainly "Pour Some Sugar on Me."  I may have personal issues to work out though.  Who knows? Also, even at age 50 every women who gets within in three feet of him apparently still wants to have sex with him.  There is all sorts of PG-13 sexual references and encounters for Stacie Jaxx, and it's all so ridiculous that I couldn't help but be amused.  Also, another running joke, him putting his hand on at least three women's chests during the duration of the movie, also could potentially lead to amusement. 

The two main young actors Julianne Hough and Diego Boneto really cannot age.  I assume they are merely there to look attractive and bring in that young demographic.  

Next, I love Catherine Zeta-Jones, mainly from Chicago. She proved she had an incredibly powerful voice that fits perfectly in a film based off a Broadway show.  Her character in Rock of Ages was added just for the movie and is really kind of pointless, it pains me to say.  She is the mayor's wife and wants to clean up the city from all the sex, drugs, and rock and roll.  However, she got to sing "Hit me With Your Best" shot, which I enjoyed.  Why was the choreography so cheesy? Why did this scene take place in a church?  I honestly have no idea.  It's just a catchy Pat Benatar song.

Also, Russell Brand is so freaking annoying that it makes me want to scream.  The combination of annoying accent and being not funny just do not sit well with me.  However, his duet with Alec Baldwin (who is a riot anytime he opens his mouth to sing), "Can't Fight this Feeling" was hilarious.  Who knew that they were in love with each other the entire time?  It's true, they ride on carousels and kiss and everything...so be forewarned.  

I got a Burlesque feeling watching Rock of Ages, which is no compliment.  The whole small town girl trying to make it in the big city aspect, mainly.  Unfortunately Cher was not in it though.  That would have possibly added another star to my rating.  

If Mamma Mia! taught us anything it is that Pierce Brosnan cannot sing and that it is never a good idea to attempt to make a musical using previously existing hit songs.  It will always feel forced and the singing will stick out like a sore thumb and not flow naturally with the narrative, like "Sweeney Todd" or "Chicago" did so beautifully.  

One last thing thing I forgot to mention.  One of my favorite scenes was "Anyway You Want It," being sung at a strip club (Oh yeah I forgot to mention it, but the main girl becomes a stripper at a club run by Mary J. Blige...i don't remember why...).  I am really not sure what that says about the quality of this movie, but what can I say, Journey is irresistible to me.

The movie is cliched, the songs don't fit naturally with the story, everyone is obviously lip synching, and there were no scenes as great to me as Meryl Streep singing "Winner Takes it All" in Mamma Mia! or Cher singing "You Haven't Seen the Last of Me" in Burlesque.  I couldn't hate it though.  It was just too ridiculous, but let's be honest I'll probably watch it again before I ever watch Mamma Mia!  

1 star out of 4...if we are being honest with ourselves...Yes I know I rated the previously mentioned two musicals higher that that...I really don't know what I'm doing.

-Joseph Sbrilli