Battleship

So what have we learned Hollywood? That's right, just because something is popular, like say a board game, it doesn't mean you have to adapt it okay? Okay Hollywood? Hey! Where are you going with that copy of Monopoly? Nooooo, come back! At least make it a campy cult comedy like Clue! sob*.

Let's get it out of the way right up front. "Battleship" is pretty bad. Not because it's based on a board game. They could have called it 'alien ocean invasion time' and it still wouldn't be a good film. It's a bad film because it is a bad film. But it had potential. Kind of like how Transformers 1 had potential. And we all know how that turned out.

Alex Hopper (Taylor Kitsch) is a bro-douche-stoner-bro. His brother is also a bro-douche-stoner-bro but he's in the navy so it is okay for him to act like a bro-douche-stoner-bro. After royally screwing up his life for what is assumed to be the last time (Getting tazed by the cops) Alex's brother forces him to join the Navy. Fast forward umpteen years and Alex is already a lieutenant in the Navy. Wow, that was fast. Despite looking like a jacked hippy with the IQ of a jacked hippy, the Navy decided to promote him. Even though he has behavioral issues, like anger, following orders, being a douche etc. Well, Alex decides being a civilian douche wasn't enough so he starts a fight with a Japanese officer right before the international war games. A naval exercise which only America and Japan participate in for some reason. South Korea doesn't have a navy or anything.

After the war games it is implied that Alex will be kicked out of the navy for something that would have gotten me a detention in high school. But wait! Plot twist! Aliens land in the ocean, activate a shield that traps Hawaii, themselves and only three destroyers out of an entire effing fleet of awesome ships. Alex and his highly talented crew of one red head and Rihanna must figure out how to kill the aliens before they can phone home.

The beginning is actually pretty funny. As in I actually laughed. And not ironically. It was pretty amusing watching Taylor Kitsch drunkenly break into a gas station in order to get a burrito for Brooklyn Decker (who wouldn't?). Then all of a sudden he is in the navy.

At this point I just want the action to start. Who cares about some hammy acting and stupid soccer games where macho men (and Rihanna) show off their soccer skills to appeal to an international audience (Didn't do any good did it suckers). Finally, FINALLY the aliens land.

And they trap just three ships. ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?! There is a whole FLEET of battle ships and aircraft carriers with planes and missiles and tons of military shit commanded by none other than LIAM "I PUNCH WOLVES IN THE FACE" NEESON and the aliens trap the three SMALLEST ships that exist in the entire U.S. Navy.

Whatever, action starts. It's kind of cool. Especially this automatic minigun that shoots the aliens missiles out of the sky with a super computer tracking device that conveniently never hits all of the missiles, always allowing at least one to strike the deck and kill a few extras.

The aliens kind of suck at this whole war thing. Brooklyn Decker and a war veteran who is missing both his legs manage to outsmart them and beat one up even though it is wearing an armored suit. Also the aliens look like gorillas with long goatees.

See, the story is that the aliens are doing three things. They are protecting their shield device so that no reinforcements can get in and mess with it, like the rest of the U.S. Navy. They send out giant plot bending balls of metal that destroy anything that remotely looks like a threat. And they are attempting to use our satellite system to send a message back to their home world.

And here's where it gets weird. 5 alien ships make it to Earth. 1 breaks up in atmosphere and crash lands in Hong Kong or Shanghai or somewhere in China. 4 land in the pacific. The ship that broke up was their communication ship. They have landed on a strange planet and they have no way of contacting their home planet. So they shield themselves and look for a means of communicating with their home planet. They then engage in a passive defense. Whenever a human weapon is used against them or looks like it is going to be used against them, they quickly stomp it out. But only if there is a weapon. They act a little bit like the Predator in that sense. And Alex Hopper and crew are doing their best to kill them dead. All they want to do is get home. They are stuck on a foreign planet and miss their home and random jacked hippies are trying to kill them. It's kind of sick when you think about it.

And holy #@%^ is Rihanna's hat still on? Despite fighting aliens and jumping off a boat she does not lose her hat ever.

The action is sweet put it isn't utilized enough. The acting gets really hammy by the end and it is pretty bad on top of that. Not great dialogue either. It is almost like a really long navy recruitment movie. But then it takes a turn for the absolute ridiculous.

So their boat eventually gets destroyed. The remaining sailors hop on board the U.S.S. Arizona which is a MUSEUM.  Which means it has no live ammo on board. But guess what, it does. How are they going to drive it? They have no experience with a battleship like the Arizona. Oh thank God, EVERY SINGLE VETERAN FROM WWII SHOWS UP RIGHT THEN. It was like a parade of a nursing home. And they hop on the boat and start shooting aliens.

It was quite ridiculous. And I spent a thousand words on freaking "Battleship." I don't blame you if you didn't read it.

1/2 a star out of 4

-Christopher O'Connell