The Untouchables: A Quick Review

It's been a while since I absolutely ripped on a movie. Mostly because I don't like to go see movies that are bad. If I think it's going to be bad why see it? I only see movies I'm on the fence about when I hear rave reviews about its execution and style. Sometimes they are god awful (Drive) and sometimes they are just considered to be really good when they're only an okay movie. The Untouchables is in this latter category.

Everyone knows that Al Capone was basically the biggest most powerful mobster in American history. He ruled Chicago with an iron fist. And it was all because of prohibition. The U.S. outlawed booze, everyone still wanted booze, and Capone was one of those enterprising individuals who decided to capitalize on this development. He was raking in the millions and no one could get to him. The Treasury Department (they used to have power) sent in Eliot Ness who surrounded himself with men who were untouchable, in that they couldn't be bought or bribed. They never could pin anything on Al Capone except that the man had never filed income taxes for several years. Of all the murders and racketeering they could only bring him up on income tax evasion charges, go figure. Capone went to jail and Ness became a hero with Capone eventually succumbing to syphilis in Alcatraz.

That's real life, The Untouchables is like Eliot Ness' boyhood wet dream about taking down a gangster. There's gunfights, there's dramatic take downs, there's a courtroom scene and best of all a revenge killing. All of which, NEVER HAPPENED. Even me, with very little understanding of courtrooms gleefully called out bull crap every time a ridiculous situation came about. The jury is obviously bribed? Get a new jury. Nope the judge doesn't want to do that because he's bribed too. They switch juries with the courtroom next door so they aren't bribed? Pretty sure that's illegal. Capone's lawyer pleads guilty even thought Capone says not guilty? The lawyer said he's guilty it must be true. There's no laws protecting against erratic lawyers huh?

The people who died, didn't die in real life. Kevin Costner straight up revenge kills a dude who in real life died about 7 years later of a suicide. Two of the "untouchables" get brutally murdered in the film. Real life, spoiler, they lived. And probably never got shot at.

It's not that the movie is bad, it's just silly. And horribly inaccurate. There's decent acting, but there's also incredibly cheesy moments in some gunfights. And don't get me started on that stupid end shootout at the train station. A baby? Really? I couldn't believe what I was seeing. If this is on anyone's top 10 gangster films I want you to slap them right across the face and tell them films 1-10 should be Goodfellas. There's a quality mob film right there.

2 out of 4 stars

-Christopher O'Connell