The Expendables

I am going to have to split this review into two parts. The first part is about action; it's quite obvious that the director, writer and producer of "The Expendables" (Sylvester Stallone) intended this film to be the biggest action movie you've ever seen with all your favorite stars. After that I will move on to an actual movie review, one that I would normally write but given the circumstances surrounding this unique film I believe it required a little bit more.


First, the action review:


WHOA, KA-POW, BAM, KASWOOSH, WHUPPA WHUPPA WHUPPA CHOPPER, MANLY GRUNTS, TESTOSTERONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Holy monkeys stealing food from random tourists Batman, this movie was intense. The bad guys were like "We got hostages and guns so nyeah" and the good guys were all like "Oh yeah?" KAPLOW and all the bad guys heads blew off in a shower of guts and meaty entrails. I haven't encountered this many jaw dropping "daaaaaamnn dude" moments since I saw the last "Die Hard" movie. And Bruce Willis didn't even kill anyone. I was like "whatttt this is out of control and unrestrained Stallone baby."


But it wasn't perfect. You got some very neat explosions, some nasty kills that had my loins pumping adrenaline like a crazed lion, and the craziest fight scenes this year, but it has a few flaws that detract from its action movie status. First off, CGI blood? really? At least make it look sort of real, I've seen plenty of movies with lower budgets that showed off sweeter non-CGI gore. And if someone dies by fire, they should like they're on fire, not like they got torched in a video game. You are way above that, Stallone, get it together. Secondly, where are all the chicks? Action movies should have at a minimum 3 different girls. All of whom should kill somebody during the film. "The Expendables" had one who I guess is cute on a good day but is annoying as a cat in heat on any other day. Thirdly, and finally, you are missing out on some key players, my friend. Jean Claude Van Damme? Steven Seagal? The only real action stars are Jet Li, Sly Stallone, and Jason Statham, since Bruce Willis doesn't kill anyone, the rest are just ex-wrestlers in my book.


So pretty awesome but not the best, there are definitely better movies out there.


Action Rating: 3 out of 4 burning helicopters.


And now for the real review:


This is not a lie, and I am not exaggerating in any way (I have friends and disgruntled theater goers that can prove it), I laughed through this entire movie. Not a little chuckle, not a slight knee slapper, but full on out-of-breath guffaws. This is due to the absolutely deplorable writing. There was not one gleam of hope in this script. Giving Stallone a pad of paper and telling him to come up with meaningful dialog is like forcing me onto a nuclear submarine and telling me to find the bathroom, eventually I am just going to drop my pants when I have to go. But you say, "But Chris, Stallone wrote "Rocky" and that won him two Oscar nominations." "Sure," I'd reply, "and every so often I'd probably find that bathroom; doesn't mean it wasn't a fluke."


Here is an example of how terrible it is, Mickey Rourke is trying to bear his soul while painting a guitar. It went a little like this. "My soul is all dry like this paint on this guitar." That's a fine analogy but Stallone decided to throw in more dialog to try and flesh out a concept that everyone in the audience already understood. Rourke continues, "Because the paint will dry on the guitar when I'm done, just like my soul." Or something ridiculous along those lines. I literally had a friend next to me leave the room because she was laughing so hard, I almost followed her because it was almost too ridiculous to stand.


The plot is alright, but certainly not the stuff of legend. Especially when you realize that the team goes in to do a job for no money, when they could have done it for money, but whatever - you didn't go to see "The Expendables" for a plot. You came for guns and more guns.


But you may have also come for acting, because a good movie becomes a bad movie with bad acting; and a bad movie becomes even worse. When the best actor in your film is 'Stone Cold' Steve Austin, who has all of three lines, you need to rethink your priorities.


If you don't like action movies, I would avoid this movie like you would avoid a skunk with diarrhea, but then again I got one of the most hearty laughs ever out of this film and I left the theater smiling.


1 and a half out of 4 stars


-Christopher O'Connell