John Carter: A Quick Review

Before Avatar, before Star Wars, before we knew anything about Mars like the fact that it is uninhabitable, there was John Carter.

Yes, based on Edward R. Burroughs beloved sci-fi novels, John Carter is the epic that I don't think anyone was really waiting for. Mostly because my generation had never even heard of it. And I'm sure Burroughs appreciated being in the film and the suggestion that the story actually happened to a relative of his (not).

Anyways, John Carter is an old Confederate soldier looking for gold. His wife and daughter died in a fire, they never show who killed them and now John is avenging them by finding gold? I guess?

Well, the gold is located in a room that magic priests from mars (sorry, Barsoom) use to travel between planets. John Carter (Taylor Kitsch, in another humongous flop of a movie) gives the priest a taste of good old American bullets in his stomach before accidentally transporting himself to Mars. (Again, they call it Barsoom if you didn't get that).

Once on Mars, John discovers that he has the superpower of jumping really high because gravity isn't that strong compared to Earth (Jasoom). Normally, that means he'd walk around like he was constantly on a trampoline but it only applies to jumping, and punching. And only sometimes when punching. Some people go flying, others just get punched. And when he uses a sword all of a sudden his power goes away. You'd think the instant he picked up a sword he could slice through anything like butter. NOPE. Anyone that's normal can block his sword attacks. Until he punches them.

There is a lot of nitpicky stuff, like the bad guy has an all powerful superlaser that he conveniently forgets to use in the end. The native america metaphor species the thrak are the stupidest, most easily influenced aliens I've ever seen. And the love interest likes to say "John Cahtah, of urth" as often as stupidly possible.

On the other hand, the graphics are decent, Taylor Kitsch is amusing and it's your basic run of the mill marraige/war plot with magical undertones. They just didn't execute it very well. Oh and Bryan Cranston has a 4 minute part. That was sweet.

2 out of 4 stars

-Christopher O'Connell

Battleship

So what have we learned Hollywood? That's right, just because something is popular, like say a board game, it doesn't mean you have to adapt it okay? Okay Hollywood? Hey! Where are you going with that copy of Monopoly? Nooooo, come back! At least make it a campy cult comedy like Clue! sob*.

Let's get it out of the way right up front. "Battleship" is pretty bad. Not because it's based on a board game. They could have called it 'alien ocean invasion time' and it still wouldn't be a good film. It's a bad film because it is a bad film. But it had potential. Kind of like how Transformers 1 had potential. And we all know how that turned out.

Alex Hopper (Taylor Kitsch) is a bro-douche-stoner-bro. His brother is also a bro-douche-stoner-bro but he's in the navy so it is okay for him to act like a bro-douche-stoner-bro. After royally screwing up his life for what is assumed to be the last time (Getting tazed by the cops) Alex's brother forces him to join the Navy. Fast forward umpteen years and Alex is already a lieutenant in the Navy. Wow, that was fast. Despite looking like a jacked hippy with the IQ of a jacked hippy, the Navy decided to promote him. Even though he has behavioral issues, like anger, following orders, being a douche etc. Well, Alex decides being a civilian douche wasn't enough so he starts a fight with a Japanese officer right before the international war games. A naval exercise which only America and Japan participate in for some reason. South Korea doesn't have a navy or anything.

After the war games it is implied that Alex will be kicked out of the navy for something that would have gotten me a detention in high school. But wait! Plot twist! Aliens land in the ocean, activate a shield that traps Hawaii, themselves and only three destroyers out of an entire effing fleet of awesome ships. Alex and his highly talented crew of one red head and Rihanna must figure out how to kill the aliens before they can phone home.

The beginning is actually pretty funny. As in I actually laughed. And not ironically. It was pretty amusing watching Taylor Kitsch drunkenly break into a gas station in order to get a burrito for Brooklyn Decker (who wouldn't?). Then all of a sudden he is in the navy.

At this point I just want the action to start. Who cares about some hammy acting and stupid soccer games where macho men (and Rihanna) show off their soccer skills to appeal to an international audience (Didn't do any good did it suckers). Finally, FINALLY the aliens land.

And they trap just three ships. ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?! There is a whole FLEET of battle ships and aircraft carriers with planes and missiles and tons of military shit commanded by none other than LIAM "I PUNCH WOLVES IN THE FACE" NEESON and the aliens trap the three SMALLEST ships that exist in the entire U.S. Navy.

Whatever, action starts. It's kind of cool. Especially this automatic minigun that shoots the aliens missiles out of the sky with a super computer tracking device that conveniently never hits all of the missiles, always allowing at least one to strike the deck and kill a few extras.

The aliens kind of suck at this whole war thing. Brooklyn Decker and a war veteran who is missing both his legs manage to outsmart them and beat one up even though it is wearing an armored suit. Also the aliens look like gorillas with long goatees.

See, the story is that the aliens are doing three things. They are protecting their shield device so that no reinforcements can get in and mess with it, like the rest of the U.S. Navy. They send out giant plot bending balls of metal that destroy anything that remotely looks like a threat. And they are attempting to use our satellite system to send a message back to their home world.

And here's where it gets weird. 5 alien ships make it to Earth. 1 breaks up in atmosphere and crash lands in Hong Kong or Shanghai or somewhere in China. 4 land in the pacific. The ship that broke up was their communication ship. They have landed on a strange planet and they have no way of contacting their home planet. So they shield themselves and look for a means of communicating with their home planet. They then engage in a passive defense. Whenever a human weapon is used against them or looks like it is going to be used against them, they quickly stomp it out. But only if there is a weapon. They act a little bit like the Predator in that sense. And Alex Hopper and crew are doing their best to kill them dead. All they want to do is get home. They are stuck on a foreign planet and miss their home and random jacked hippies are trying to kill them. It's kind of sick when you think about it.

And holy #@%^ is Rihanna's hat still on? Despite fighting aliens and jumping off a boat she does not lose her hat ever.

The action is sweet put it isn't utilized enough. The acting gets really hammy by the end and it is pretty bad on top of that. Not great dialogue either. It is almost like a really long navy recruitment movie. But then it takes a turn for the absolute ridiculous.

So their boat eventually gets destroyed. The remaining sailors hop on board the U.S.S. Arizona which is a MUSEUM.  Which means it has no live ammo on board. But guess what, it does. How are they going to drive it? They have no experience with a battleship like the Arizona. Oh thank God, EVERY SINGLE VETERAN FROM WWII SHOWS UP RIGHT THEN. It was like a parade of a nursing home. And they hop on the boat and start shooting aliens.

It was quite ridiculous. And I spent a thousand words on freaking "Battleship." I don't blame you if you didn't read it.

1/2 a star out of 4

-Christopher O'Connell

Men In Black 3

There is one thing you should know about me: I love Will Smith. I will watch anything he is in and will always tell you how good of an actor he is even if you didn't ask. The first Men In Black was awesome but I remember being so pants-crappingly terrified of the cockroach alien that I didn't even know what it even looked like until I was ten because I refused to lower my hands. The second Men In Black was awesome until I grew up and realized it was crap and my movie taste hadn't fully developed. I still enjoy it because again, I love Will Smith.

So when I say I liked Men In Black 3, its probably because I am a little bit biased. Will Smith makes me laugh and the odd combo of buddy cop movie with an alien premise always intrigues me enough to buy a ticket.

Agent J (Will Smith) and Agent K(Tommy Lee Jones) are back doing what they do best. But it wouldn't be a movie unless something exciting happened. A dangerous alien criminal known as Boris the Animal (Jemaine Clement) breaks out of a prison on the moon that was built specifically to house him. He is pissed because he has been there for like 40 years after Agent K put him there. Instead of just killing him, he uses a time jump to go back in time to kill Agent K before he can lock him away and knock off one of his arms. Technically he succeeds because Agent K all of a sudden disappears from the future. Agent J finds his own time jump and goes back in time to work with young Agent K (Josh Brolin) to stop Boris.

Obviously the big gimmick in the film is that Will Smith gets to run around with a young Tommy Lee Jones. Josh Brolin nails it. He nails it so good it's uncanny. Half the time it feels like it really is just a young Tommy Lee Jones. He smiles a little too much but otherwise it is a perfect acting job.

And thank god it is there because otherwise MIB 3 would be as bad as MIB 2. It starts off with a "let's see how many jokes Will Smith can make about how unemotional and old Tommy Lee Jones is." And it only really gets exciting when they finally go back in time.

There's also some fun in the retro technology that the men in black use. And although racism shouldn't be funny, a hilarious encounter between Will Smith and some bigoted policemen was comedy gold. Unfortunately for the audience, but fortunately for me, no one seemed to know who Jemaine Clement is. Every time he talked I laughed. I looked around seeing if anyone else was laughing. Nothing. Not many Flight of the Conchords fans around I guess.

Anyway, it's a Men In Black film. You expect anything more? You did? Well screw you man. Go enjoy a slightly brainless movie with the only reason you watched the other movies in the first place: Will Smith. And this time Josh Brolin. And Bill Hader as Andy Warhol. Ha, hilarious.

2 and a half out of 4 stars

-Christopher O'Connell

Rock Of Ages

Believe it or not I am still part of this blog.  I just took a brief five month hiatus from reviewing movies.

The latest movie I saw it theaters was Rock of Ages.  After all, I love musicals and cannot resist more than a dozen 80s songs and a shirtless Tom Cruise in the same movie.  This is the latest film from Adam Shankman, director of 2007's "Hairpray," which was a great adaptation of the Broadway show and one of my favorite movies.  Alas, that will probably be Shankman's greatest achievement.  Not even an all star cast, including Tom Cruise, Catherine Zeta-Jones, and Alec Baldwin could make this a quality film.  Then again maybe thinking of the most cliched plot and randomly adding 80s songs to it just wasn't a great idea to begin with.

The film takes place in 1987 and deals with a naive young midwestern girl, who naturally wants to move to California and become a singer.  She unsurprisingly falls in love with a young man who works at a bar in this sleazy club, who just so happens to be a closeted singer as well.  It's not just any sleazy club though, it's run by Alec Baldwin and Russell Brand and is about to be shut down if they don't pay their taxes on it.  This is where a shirtless, long haired Tom Cruise, as fictional rock and roll idol Stacie Jaxx comes to save the day.  Hopefully his star status will bring in the needed money to save the Bourbon Club.  Tons of random things happen and people randomly burst into such songs as "Hit me With Your Best Shot," "Pour Some Sugar on Me," "Anyway You Want It," and "Can't Fight This Feeling." 

If you ever wanted to know if Tom Cruise can sing, then the answer is yes, kind of.  All he needed was some voice training and a little auto-tune.  I am not a huge fan of his, but he was funny in this movie, and I personally enjoyed his songs, mainly "Pour Some Sugar on Me."  I may have personal issues to work out though.  Who knows? Also, even at age 50 every women who gets within in three feet of him apparently still wants to have sex with him.  There is all sorts of PG-13 sexual references and encounters for Stacie Jaxx, and it's all so ridiculous that I couldn't help but be amused.  Also, another running joke, him putting his hand on at least three women's chests during the duration of the movie, also could potentially lead to amusement. 

The two main young actors Julianne Hough and Diego Boneto really cannot age.  I assume they are merely there to look attractive and bring in that young demographic.  

Next, I love Catherine Zeta-Jones, mainly from Chicago. She proved she had an incredibly powerful voice that fits perfectly in a film based off a Broadway show.  Her character in Rock of Ages was added just for the movie and is really kind of pointless, it pains me to say.  She is the mayor's wife and wants to clean up the city from all the sex, drugs, and rock and roll.  However, she got to sing "Hit me With Your Best" shot, which I enjoyed.  Why was the choreography so cheesy? Why did this scene take place in a church?  I honestly have no idea.  It's just a catchy Pat Benatar song.

Also, Russell Brand is so freaking annoying that it makes me want to scream.  The combination of annoying accent and being not funny just do not sit well with me.  However, his duet with Alec Baldwin (who is a riot anytime he opens his mouth to sing), "Can't Fight this Feeling" was hilarious.  Who knew that they were in love with each other the entire time?  It's true, they ride on carousels and kiss and everything...so be forewarned.  

I got a Burlesque feeling watching Rock of Ages, which is no compliment.  The whole small town girl trying to make it in the big city aspect, mainly.  Unfortunately Cher was not in it though.  That would have possibly added another star to my rating.  

If Mamma Mia! taught us anything it is that Pierce Brosnan cannot sing and that it is never a good idea to attempt to make a musical using previously existing hit songs.  It will always feel forced and the singing will stick out like a sore thumb and not flow naturally with the narrative, like "Sweeney Todd" or "Chicago" did so beautifully.  

One last thing thing I forgot to mention.  One of my favorite scenes was "Anyway You Want It," being sung at a strip club (Oh yeah I forgot to mention it, but the main girl becomes a stripper at a club run by Mary J. Blige...i don't remember why...).  I am really not sure what that says about the quality of this movie, but what can I say, Journey is irresistible to me.

The movie is cliched, the songs don't fit naturally with the story, everyone is obviously lip synching, and there were no scenes as great to me as Meryl Streep singing "Winner Takes it All" in Mamma Mia! or Cher singing "You Haven't Seen the Last of Me" in Burlesque.  I couldn't hate it though.  It was just too ridiculous, but let's be honest I'll probably watch it again before I ever watch Mamma Mia!  

1 star out of 4...if we are being honest with ourselves...Yes I know I rated the previously mentioned two musicals higher that that...I really don't know what I'm doing.

-Joseph Sbrilli 

21 Jump Street

Oh. My. Lord. How in the world did I forget to review "21 Jump Street"? The film that looked so bad that I vowed never to see it only to watch its tomatometer skyrocket. 'Well, damn,' I thought, 'I guess I have to see it now' and that was one of the greatest decisions I've made this year. If we aren't including that late night Taco Bell run of course.

"21 Jump Street" is based off the '80s tv show of the same name starring the perpetually good/rapey looking Johnny Depp. In the show, Depp was a cop who looked "young" so they sent him to high school to stop drug rings and other crimes that teenagers like to commit. Somehow they made it into an hour long drama. Lord knows how much crime had to be committed at that high school to make that show interesting enough for a tv show.

Well, Jonah Hill decided to re-create the show into the most hilarious movie of the year.

Schmidt (Jonah Hill) and Jenko (Channing Tatum) are two under-performing buddy cops. Jenko is just dumb and doesn't know the Miranda Rights: "You have the right to uh...the right to suck my dick!" Schmidt just isn't very athletic. After they mess up on the job, their captain sends them to 21 Jump Street. A division run by a very sassy ice cube in which young-looking police officers go undercover at local high schools to, you guessed it, stop crimes. Schmidt and Jenko are sent to a local high school that is having a problem with a new synthetic drug that has been implicated in the overdose death of one student.

The writers have captured the change in high school so well and at the same time making the buddy cop routine seem fresh. Jenko walks around the school identifying different groups: jocks, nerds, goths, and then he gets to hipsters. Despite being in high school just 5ish years before, hipster is a new fad for him. And anyone who is in college or high school now can instantly identify the faux-50's style and increased emphasis on social awareness.

The movie is hilarious. And not dumb hilarious. It is actually hilarious. It is smart, it is clever and it keeps your attention from start to finish. I found myself doubled over trying to stop the giraffe noises coming out of my throat lest my friends judge me even more. This is one of the few movie that I actually enjoy Jonah Hill in and Channing Tatum should do comedy more often because it is right in his wheelhouse.

There are few R-rated comedies that I would show my parents. This may be one of them because I know they appreciate smart comedy. If you want to laugh, you won't be disappointed. Prepare to quote it for the rest of the day.

4 out of 4 stars

-Christopher O'Connell

P.S. Johnny Depp is in it.

P.S. #@$% YOU SCIENCE!

12 Monkeys: A Quick Review

I love a good sci-fi. There's something about the worlds they create that look so different, yet feel so familiar at the same time. They are like dreams that you had as a child put on screen. Nightmares included.

12 Monkeys is a movie that I have wanted to see for a while. It has two great actors, Bruce Willis and Brad Pitt, and a simple yet potentially deep premise. In the future, 5 billion of the worlds population was wiped out by an airborne disease. The survivors went underground and are currently looking for a potential cure. The surface is ruled by the beats of the Earth. Bruce Willis is a prisoner that is forced to explore the surface gathering animal specimens for study. In exchange for a pardon, Bruce Willis is sent back in time to trace the origins of the virus and the people behind it. But they send him back to the wrong year and things get all screwy.

The film works off another premise described by a psychologist. I forget the name but the basic gist goes like this: The foreknowledge that something is going to happen and the agony of not being able to do anything about it. Willis' character is living in a world that he knows will die no matter what he does. And everyone thinks he is crazy because he talks about the future. It is heartbreaking watching him struggle to explain something that others could never understand. As he is pulled back and forth between time periods his grip on reality is shaken and the audience is left wondering if perhaps he really is insane and it is all in his head.

It is quite depressing but very well done. Any weird or unnecessary scenes can be quickly forgiven. It ranks high on my list of good sci-fi movies and I would encourage film fans to see it.

"I am insane. And you are my insanity."

3.5 out of 4 stars

-Christopher O'Connell

Training Day: A Quick Review

So I haven't reviewed anything in a while. Hopefully that will change. But let's start it off with a movie I've wanted to see for a while but it took forever to actually get around to.

For some reason, whenever someone mentions the film "the Graduate" I go, oh the Denzel movie? And they go, uh no? And give me a look like I'm dangerously stupid. If I ever talk about "The Graduate" odds are I am actually referring to this film because I am a fool.

Anyways, Ethan Hawke, everyone's "favorite" white actor is starting his new job in the narcotics division of the LAPD. His commanding officer is Denzel Washington. The entire movie takes place in one single day, where Ethan is meant to learn the ropes so to speak. Like a day of training if you will, to prepare him for multiple days on the job. He's kind of skittish but he's eager. He learns quickly that being a narcotics agent is a little different than being a beat cop. Denzel likes to work more closely to what is known as street justice. He lets things slide, like minor drug use in order to nab the big fish, the dealers and suppliers. But like any movie made after 1990, there's a twist and Denzel Washington is actually a pretty big douchebag instead of just being a tough cop.

The movie is well made, well-shot and pretty entertaining. Denzel Washington was awarded a best actor oscar for his work as detective Alonzo Harris. I'd highly recommend the film, if you can get over Ethan Hawke's character who for some reason basically does anything everyone tells him. But it's his first day! No, he's been a cop for a while he's not an idiot. You'll see what I mean.

3.5 out of 4 stars

-Christopher O'Connell