Nope, wait. Sorry. Iron Man 3 doesn't come out until next year. I actually saw the Avengers, the superhero superorgy that was hinted at after the credits of Iron Man. The movie that spawned two prequels (Thor and Captain America) just so they could explain all the superhero back stories in time for the shmorgashboard of comic glory. And the product which has generated a ludicrous amount of money for a company that hasn't created a new, exciting superhero in at least 20 years. But that doesn't matter because all the favorites are here to play for our enjoyment.
The basic storyline is pretty simple. Loki (Tom Hiddleston, the bad guy from Thor) somehow gets sent to Earth by an alien race that wants to take over the planet. He steals the tesseract (an all powerful cube from Captain America that has unlimited power) and goes about making some people his zombie mind slaves. He turns Hawkeye (Jeremy Renner) into one of them. Nick Fury, (Sam Jackson) realizing that the world is probably going to end, assembles the Avengers. Well, only some of them because there's actually like 543 superheros on the Avengers team. So Fury assembles the most famous ones, Iron Man, the Hulk, Captain America, Thor and I guess Hawkeye and Black Widow are famous too? Anyways, they all get assembled. Loki summons an alien army from outer space that absolutely rapes New York City and the Avengers come save the day. Wait, did you really expect anything else to happen?
Since everyone has already seen the movie, this is all basically just recap and I'm just going to try to convince you to think differently than the millions of fanboys that are currently curled up in their rooms watching a pirated copy for the fifth time with a box of kleenex and some vasoline next to them. Because they like this movie, a lot. And they have some good reasons to like it.
It's fun. It is just plain fun. There is action galore. The special effects are very impressive (just look at that huge flying aircraft carrier!). The superheroes are flashy, they break things, they break everything and there is very little in New York that doesn't get destroyed.
It's funny. Especially any scene with the Hulk. And Iron Man. His witty awesome banter is back and his many quips about other characters (talking to Thor: "hey, Point Break", I was the only one in the theater that laughed) are hilarious. It just adds to the fun.
Joss Whedon has crafted a cohesive narrative. Look at all those famous actors fighting for screen time. Obviously Robert Downey Jr. wins but I felt as if everyone got the ample amount of screen time they deserved to really develop them and help the audience actually care about them.
But there are also reasons why you shouldn't like the Avengers. Some of them are just personal preference, others should be obvious to all.
Who the #@$% is Loki? And who cares? What a sucky bad guy. He is terrible. Not only is he a complete wuss, all he does is whine about how his dad loved his brother and that Earth is rightfully his and even more crap. Shutup, grow some balls and find a better bad guy. Find someone that actually strikes fear in everyone's heart. And get a better actor to do it.
Really that's it? The whole tagline of the film was "if we can't save the Earth, you can be damn sure we will avenge it." But they did save it. They saved everything except New York City and part of Germany. That's pretty good if you ask me. Where's the sense of doom? The hopelessness? The "this is our last hope because we literally have tried everything else"? The Avengers are now our first and last lines of defense.
Someone needed to die. But Chris, someone did die! Someone we care about very much! Yeah, well....no. The person who died is a beloved regular but he was only human. A superhero should die in at least one of the future films. And then using his playing cards to push them over the edge? They were already sad Nick Fury, you jerk.
There really is only 3 superheroes in this movie. Iron Man, Hulk and Thor. Captain America is just like 10 guys in one but a bullet could still kill him easily. And where is his gun? I remember him having a gun in the comics. No, I'd rather throw my shield around like a frisbee/boomerang. Hawkeye is just accurate with a bow an arrow, a weapon system that was rendered obsolete in oh I don't know 100 years ago? More? And Black Widow. She carries two 9mm glocks. Pistols that can take multiple rounds to bring down a regular person. Thor is a freaking god and they put him on a team with an assassin? The Hulk's basically immortal and Iron Man is Iron Man! This is all very nitpicky but it annoyed me anyways.
Here's how I rank the Marvel films:
Iron Man 1
Iron Man 2
Hulk (Edward Norton, don't judge me)
The Avengers
Thor
Captain America
Compared to the crapfests that were Thor and Captain America, The Avengers is amazing. But it could have been better. You want explosions? Go see it. You want to laugh a little bit? Go see it.You want something better than Iron Man? Tough luck kiddo. Hopefully, Joss Whedon sticks with future projects or else this series could easily die in the water.
2.5 out of 4 stars
-Christopher O'Connell
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