Albert Narracott (Jeremy Irvine) is a poor English boy struggling with his family to make a living on their rented farm. Unfortunately his dad is an idiot and spends 30 pounds on a horse that's more for show than for farming. Albert falls in love with the horse, and I mean really in love with the horse. I was honestly scared that he was going to start kissing the horse passionately. Anyways he names the horse Joey, Lord knows why, and helps train him. There's a whole long scene where Albert uses Joey to plow an incredibly rocky field so his dad can plant turnips and pay off the rent.
This was about an hour long, or it felt like it. When's the good stuff coming? Finally war breaks out. Did I really just say that? Yes, World War 1 breaks out right when the farm is hit with a huge rain storm that completely ruining Albert's turnip crop. So his dad takes the horse into town and sells it to a British captain in the cavalry. From there the horse changes hands to the German army, somehow ends up in the hands of a German girl and her grandfather, gets taken back by the German army, then ends up in the British army where Albert, who was drafted or so we assume, eventually is reunited with Joey. It is way more complicated than that and so begins my rant. Spoilers ahead.
-Firstly, the title of this movie should be "gay for horses." Albert stares at Joey like Bill Clinton did at the interns. He was there when Joey was born, like a sick peeping tom. His dad happens to buy the horse for 30 pounds like an idiot because he could have gotten a freaking Clydesdale for less. Albert falls madly in love with the horse and since there is no other love interest in the film I feel sincerely bad for the horse.
-We are treated to 18 instances of Albert yelling out "Walk on Joey!" This would be a good time to point out that Jeremy Irvine is a terrible actor and every line made me hate him more.
-They finally get the field planted and the rainstorm ruins it all. But later, somehow they still have their farm and have a full crop of turnips. I didn't see any other horses, how did they replow that field?
-Somehow, Joey is sold to a British captain who loves horses just as much as Albert. So much so that he draws a freaking picture of the horse to send to Albert to show him that Joey is still doing okay. Luckily, the captain quickly finds out that cavalry charge vs. implanted machine gun nests = death. Joey is then taken by two German soldiers.
-Who promptly go AWOL even though one of them was extremely proud to be fighting in the war. Like all incredibly stupid individuals they get caught and shot by even stupider people who didn't even look for the horses the soldiers quite obviously stole.
-This would be a good time to point out that none of the Germans speak German. Ever. Even when their are no English speaking ears about, all German orders are delivered in English. I didn't hear one foreign language in a war purposefully titled a world war. That rankled me especially since...
-Joey was discovered by a German girl and her grandfather, who again refuse to speak their native tongue and wish to only chat in English with a German accent. At this point I started to nod off, it was like the farm scenes because nothing was happening. Finally the Germans, being bastards that they are, take everything from the Grandfather including the horses. Because only Germans are bad people.
-And only Germans use their horses like slaves. Every horse employed by Germany is overworked until it dies whereupon it is placed in a mass horsey grave. Really? Only Germans exploit their horses? The British and French probably NEVER did that right? Only the big bad mean Germans. One, if you overwork all your horses to death, there's no more horses to pull artillery and two, if the horses die why did you just pile them up? That's free food right there, especially if you're already raiding the country side, no wonder the Germans lost.
-Right about here, Joey watches his best horse friend die. Already grief stricken (or whatever horses do) Joey is promptly chased by a tank for absolutely no reason. The tank walls him into a corner. Why is the tank chasing a horse? There's like 20,000 Germans over the ridge and it took the time to wall in a horse. At this point Joey is pretty pissed with everything and runs around the battlefield like there's nothing left to lose. Almost what I did straight out of the theater. He runs right into no mans land and gets quickly tangled up in some barbed wire.
-Meanwhile, four years has passed, and Albert has joined the war. Despite probably being mentally challenged, he is sent to the front line with his best non horse friend who quite obviously is mentally challenged. They both charge a German trench and are promptly gassed. Albert only goes blind while his friend dies. They both are exposed to the same gas but only one dies.
-Joey gets cut out by a German and an Englishman showing a rare bit of civility for the poor horse. Unfortunately Spielberg decided to say the name of the movie here, a tactic which I hate with a loathing. I'll try to quote it word for word.
"This guy (Joey) has been through a lot."
"He's a horse of war."
At this point my head was in my hands, praying to God that he wouldn't say it.
"A war horse." Both the German and the Englishman look at Joey respectfully. I wanted to vomit. Of course with his accent it sounded more like "Woh Hohse."
-Somehow, despite being GASSED BY THE SAME GAS THAT KILLS HIS BEST FRIEND, Albert not only lives but REGAINS HIS SIGHT. But there's a twist, he has to buy Joey back because he's not an officer or some strange rule like that. Sadly a butcher outbid him. Oh well. No wait! The old German man somehow crossed into France at the war's end to buy the horse that his granddaughter loved so much. For some reason he bid 100 pounds on the horse even though the highest bid at that point was only 30. What an idiot. In a startling display of kindness and lunacy the old man decides to just give the horse to Albert for free. What. an. idiot.
-Albert goes home and he and his family celebrate by staring at each other while the sun sets. The end.
People clapped at the end of the film. I wanted to slap them all. War Horse was so disappointing on so many levels. But I have to say that the horse was the best actor in the entire movie. Sadly, he was surrounded by fools and a level of cheese unheard of. I'm sure the play had a great deal of influence in the film as it rightly should but a movie has to be handled differently than a play and I think that's what happened here. The Great War deserves a better film then this. One showing the true horror of war, not just brief glimpses of it. If Saving Private Ryan took the romance out of war (and rightly so) War Horse put it right back in. But don't blame the horse.
1 out of 4 stars. Mostly for the horses fine acting (I'm serious)
-Christopher O'Connell
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