Confessions of a Shopaholic

Chick flicks have to be, by far, the worst movie genre ever invented. (This does not include "Mean Girls,"which is the best chick flick ever created.) "Confessions of a Shopaholic" only proves that the funniest part in a chick flick is the gay friend, and his part isn't nearly long enough to save "Confessions" from being one of the worst movies I've seen this year. Seriously, I'd rather watch "Transformers 2" again.

Here's how the ridiculously predictable plot unfolds. Girl has problem, thinks solution to problem is "X." Meets devishly handsome guy, although different at first, find stuff in common, fall in love. Girl's problem is exposed, guy feels betrayed, leaves, girl goes to sulk, discovers the solution is really "Y" instead of "X." Guy sees how much girl has changed, initiates new relationship. They live happily ever after. The End.

Well, that wasn't every romantic comedy/chickflick plot ever made. I am so glad I just watched such an interesting movie with no cliches whatsoever.

Rebecca Bloomwood (Isla Fisher) is a redhead recently-graduated-from-college bimbo, working at some crappy magazine reviewing like yardwork stores and stuff. I wasn't paying very much attention. Rebecca likes to shop, a lot. Although half the time she looks like big bird ran through the painting section of Lowes. I almost got my shades - the colors were way too bright for my eyes. Anyhoo, Rebecca really, really wants a job at Allete magazine (think Vogue). On her way there she decides she really needs a green scarf to go with her outfit (crazy right? but it's exactly the thing that could make this interview go well, omg!). But all her credit cards are declined so she starts asking people for money to buy her ailing grandmother a new scarf. Some nice guy gives it to her and she runs off to get a new job. Here's where the gay guy comes in, and the only part where I laughed comes in. The gay security guard informs Rebecca that Allete already gave away the job she wanted but if she applied at another magazine in the building she could work her way up, because thats how the building works obviously. She tries for it and finds that the guy who gave her money is the employer who would hire her for some stupid financial magazine.

Here's where the plot gets so stupid that it makes me angry. Obviously she doesn't get a job so she goes home and gets drunk with her best friend (the stupidest loudest person in the movie) and decides to write letters to both Allete and the magazine the handsome guy turned her away from. The Allete letter is a good letter about clothing and stuff...whatever. The other letter is a hate letter because the guy turned away her fake resume blah blah you don't know who I am blah blah girl power. But because she's drunk she mixes up the letters and sends the wrong one to each. The stupid handsome guy gets her letter and thinks it has to do with finance and gives her a job.

Gah! I just wanted to throw my TV out of the room. If she was drunk how in the world was she able to write a legible letter? She and her roommate had like 18 tequila shots in an hour. And what magazine in their right mind would hire someone to explain financial terms with fashion? "Buying a time share is like buying a tiny bikini, if its warm out, it's great and everyone thinks your hot, but if it's cold out, it's not so comfortable anymore and you'll have to put on something different." Wow, thanks! Now I understand time shares. Girl fashion can really help us get through this recession, everybody.

NO IT EFFING CAN'T! This movie is awful, really it is. Please don't watch it. Give the gay guy ten more lines of dialogue and I would tell you to watch it, but he has like 3 lines. This movie is terrible in every way conceivable. Don't let its bright colors attract you.

Grade: D-, I didn't give it an F because John Goodman is in it and the gay guy made me laugh.

-Christopher O'Connell